frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
