Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
