why didn't you poke me back
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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