dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
