A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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