I wish they made helmets for livers.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
