U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
