I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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