I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
