She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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