Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize