Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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