oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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