new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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