Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
