Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize