I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize