So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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