i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
