i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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