Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
