dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
