For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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