yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
