Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Holy sore nipples Batman
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
