i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize