i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize