Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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