Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
