Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
