ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
