First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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