I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
