Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
