he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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