i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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