She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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