I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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