saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
