It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm getting married
To pizza
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
