I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
