he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
