Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i now understand why vodka
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
