oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
