Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
