i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
