I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
