I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
