I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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