he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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