At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
