dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
