I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize