I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
