Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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