I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
