that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Success! We fucked roommates!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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